Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ok so it's been a while! Maybe I'm busy....

Not really....I'm not that busy.

I have been going to interviews and at one point would have bet money I'd be working about a month ago. But alas no. Not this month. Still no jobby job. Not for this guy.

It is looking better out there for sure. For those of you still pounding the pavement, keep it up! Over the past couple months I have actually been getting responses to my resumes and phone calls. I've gone on interviews and it seems like things are getting better.

Better for me? Not quite yet but I feel it coming! Unfortunately, a bit too late for my pocket book at this point. So, what to do until I hit my pay day?

How do I keep this unemployment party going until the job finds me? I've already mastered the art free lunches and drinks (if you need a lesson please refer back a few posts or contact me for a lesson). I've maxed out the government assistance I am qualified for (no thanks to my previous employer). And I've cut out everything I can while hanging onto the really important stuff, like traveling and booze.

Seems to me I've got my output under control....now it's time for some input. Time to find a bit of cash flow! I have been learning the graphic design stuff I wanted and it looks like that's what will pay next months bills. Which for sure is nice. But I really need a river of cash not the leaky sink drip that's flowing in at this point.

So once again, what is a young unemployed guy to do? Being that most my ideas involve comical and at times illegal means of generating revenue I thought I'd just leave it up to your opinions.

Maybe someone out there has a good idea for me to bring in some cash? Let me know your ideas and if there's a chance I'll live through it I'll give it a go!


Monday, May 18, 2009

I've got skills!

This is just gotten out of hand! Seriously out of hand! 

I feel like I have leprosy or something here! 

What does a dude have to do around here to get a steady paycheck and some 401(k) love! 


Needless to say I am getting a bit freaked out at this point...it's now been 5 months plus, I've gone through 22 weeks of not working (which isn't such a bad thing) and 22 weeks of being rejected from every company in the metro area (that does kinda suck). What is wrong with me?

I mean, I've got skills!


As we all know from that beloved nerd hailing from Idaho, Napoleon Dynamite; girls love skills. One then could make the logical assumption that companies like skills as well...

So here ya go. 
This is what all those places that have shown me the
cold shoulder are missing out on.

Skills I've got:

Computer Skills - I couldn't write this if I didn't know how to use a computer!?!
Communication Skills - see we're communicating.
Presentation Skills - such as this presentation of my skills.
Leadership Skills - people have been known to follow me, generally to the bar, I like that.
Management Skills - I am managing not to totally go nuts while not having a job and being rejected 10 times a day, that's determination as well!
Determination Skills - not really a skill as much as a character trait but regardless, see above.
Negotiation Skills - I consistently negotiate my girlfriend into paying for things for me cause I'm broke.
Sales Skills - your buying all this aren't you?
Relationship Management Skills - I still have friends even after 5 months of trying not to pay for anything all while still going out and pretending to be a high roller.
Social Media Skills - I've got like 300 facebook friends, and 150 followers on Twitter (I have been told followers are not the same as friends).
Music Skills - I play the tuba...if you fell the urge to make fun of me see below.
Hand to Hand combat Skills - not really, just don't make fun of me for the tuba thing it hurts.
Driving Skills - I've got a car and a scooter and I know how to use them while talking on my cell phone, flipping you the bird, and eating a Big Mac!
Literary Skills - seriously I can't spell but I can read and write (although not with very good grammar; freckin' public schools, sorry).
Culinary Skills - need a Hot Pocket? I'm your man! I am also a very good eater.
Beverage Management Skills - I manage to always get a drink from my hand to my belly with a 95% success rate.
Financial Skills - After 5 months of unemployment (and no unemployment insurance mind you) I have managed to continue to party, live in my beautiful town house in NW Portland, pay for a broken collar bone without insurance, broke a tooth and had a crown, and reasonably enjoyed my little vacation with no source of income!


If this abbreviated list of my current skill set doesn't entice an employer, I don't know what will! If you see what you like check of my resume on linked in http://www.linkedin.com/in/drmorganstern for additional awesomeness and call me for an interview...I know it will just be a formality before you let me take over your company! 


Friday, May 8, 2009

Worst way to blow $500?

Put it in your mouth! 

Seriously...put it in your mouth and chew it! Nothing sucks more than having to spend money when you don't have it to spend. What makes it worse? Spending it on something that not only is no fun but is horrifying to most people in the known 
universe. 

I get to go to the Dentist!!!


I hate the Dentist....

I've got a great dentist...really, Green Apple Dental (http://www.greenappledental.com) is the best dentist office I've been forced to give my money too. But really, I can't stand sitting in that chair getting shots in the mouth while everyone in the building finds a need to shove their hands in my mouth! Who on earth wants that job btw! 

So on top of my outrageous COBRA payments (just made a little better by the government, thanks government!) broken collar bone and resulting surgery bills I know have to throw another $500 bucks into my out of shape broke-ass body! FANTASTIC! 

Do you know the things I could buy with that $500? Ya a ton of stuff! And anything would be better than spending it on a trip to the dentist....lame.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Use your free time and learn something!

Over the past few months I've been enjoying my "little vacation". Hangin out with friends, new and old. Sleeping in and staying out all night. Laying around in my robe all day eating kids cereal out of a huge bowl and watching crappy daytime TV! 

But at some point it all gets kinda old. 

In order to prevent the unemployment blues from totally taking over you need to get out and better yourself a bit. As nice as it would be to never work again at some point you're going to need to dust off the suit and tie in order to pay those bills. 

So, why not use this time to learn a few new tricks (professional skills that is!). It won't take all of your lounging around time so don't freak out...there are many things you can do without even getting dressed! Just don't try cooking or operating machinery without getting dressed first. It might just get you into some weird insurance situations best undiscovered... just sayin.

(This is Steve, my stunt double.
 Cobra is way too expensive...
I just have Steve do my dangerous stuff!)



I'm for sure going to teach myself a few new things. First, I am want to learn Spanish. I've been to Mexico a few times and hated the fact I couldn't communicate very well. I know I missed out on a very cool experience only understanding English while I traveled. Second, I am going to learn how to create websites and design graphics. It's something I've always wanted to be able to do and figure it's a great skill to have walking into a new career. After that maybe I'll work on getting into the Nathan's Hot dog eating contest or take up fire dancing while riding a unicycle, blindfolded, soaked in gasoline, on a tight rope over a pit full of 5 year old kids that just ate way too much sugar! 
Just ideas here, just ideas...

Whatever you end up doing make sure it's something fun. This stuff shouldn't be work. Think of it as simply expanding your personal skill set. You must take a break from work in order to be successful in life, being unemployed is a great opportunity to take that break...don't get yourself into a project that sucks as much as the 9-5! 

So if anyone out there wants to help a poor unemployed guy out hook me up with some computer software and the Rosetta Stone, or a unicycle and some candy! 

Monday, April 27, 2009

You aren't missing much from 8-5 on the TV!

During my years workin for the man I really never got a chance to just veg out in front of the TV for hours like most Americans. This lead to some difficult social interactions when I had no idea what Lost was or who the hell was saving the cheerleader. I did own a Tivo thingy but even with that you can't keep up on the thousands of hours a week one needs to be in the know on all that is prime time.

But here's the deal...you aren't missing much!

I've had a bit of free time on my hands as of recent and while the Oregon spring can be gorgeous, it can also rain for days at a time! Thus allowing for a bit of research...


Observation:
I did nothing but sleep (not enough), eat (sometimes but never at lunch time), and work (way too much!) while all of my friends had more available free time to do what they wanted to do.

Hypothesis:
While working 12 hours a day 5 days a week (plus a little on the weekends) I missed out on a valuable social education provided by countless hours of television viewing which limited my social interactions and thus was detrimental to my social lifestyle.

Test:
For one week I will watch TV (hours between 9-11, 1-3, 6-9) and record what I watched for later comparison to social interactions. I will then engage 4 test subjects with various levels of employment in conversation about my observations/television knowledge and measure reaction to said knowledge.

Results:
While all 4 test subjects had some knowledge of programs mentioned in conversation, my depth of knowledge far out weighed all with an inverse relationship to employment.

Conclusion:
If you work all the time you don't get to watch a lot of TV. Which leads me to believe your personal social interaction exposure is also limited thus leading to less personal development and meaningful social interaction outside the work place.
Also,
90% of TV sucks! Mainly day time TV, stuff you workin folks really miss out on. What the crap is some of this stuff? The Cougar? seriously! Tough Love? Where do you find these people! For the Love of Ray J? Rock of Love bus? Wait...all these are VH1 shows. Who else was on a VH1 show I know....JOE! Joe Doyle! Maybe he can do something about all this crap! Seriously if it wasn't for CNN and Sports Center I would have gone crazy during this experiment!

So my hypothesis kinda worked out. I mean TV's not going to make you a social animal or anything but the time lost to working endless hours and shutting your self off to the outside world is indeed detrimental to ones social lifestyle.


Basically....don't work so much! But don't spend that time not working watching crappy TV on VH1!






Unless of course it involves Joe Doyle...then watch all you can!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Breaking News!


This just in!
Multiple Brands of Cereal Available at the
low, low price of $1.99
Now at your local Safeway!



Rice Crispy

Coco Rice Crispy

Apple Jacks

Golden Crips

and many many more....


Don't waste anytime!

Tell your boss they suck and run, run as fast as you can!
Just don't forget a bowl and some milk.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Best toy for the unemployed summer!

If you live anywhere close to an urban epicenter, and the mercury has risen to more than 60 degrees you have to get one of these!



It's a kickin' urban hipster scooter!

I have to admit, when my girlfriend came home one day, intent on chasing after a Craigslist posting for this used scooter...I was a bit skeptical (and by skeptical I mean I was completely baffled as to why the hell we needed a scooter when paying there are bills to pay). Even after the deal was done, I still questioned why she was spending more than a $1000.00 on a ride that couldn't move faster than 40 mph!


Thing is...when the sun comes out and you strap on that helmet, it all starts to make sense!


This scooter thing rocks!


A scooter is the one toy every unemployed person should have! So get out there and find one.(you may need to find a sugar mamma/papa to pony up the cash of course!) But once you've got one, it's hours of cheap entertainment. Craigslist is your best bet. Tons of suburban folks picked these things up when gas prices got nutty but soon realized you can't drive them on freeways or roads with speeds higher than 35 mph. You don't even need a motorcycle endorsement if it is less than 50cc's. It can only go about 40 mph tops so no need to worry about the body armor stuff bikers have to shell out the big bucks for. Best of all, you won't have to fill the thing up with gas all summer! The thing only costs like $5 to fill up and runs for over 100 mpg!


You can cruise around in the sunshine, pick up the paper and a latte in the morning, and find a new scooter bar to hang out at with your scooter gang friends!


Perhaps a potential employer will take note of your commitment to saving the environment, possibly giving you a leg up come interview time. Maybe one of your new scooter gang friends will be able to send a job lead your way? Perhaps you'll just become the leader of a kick ass scooter gang....it seems like a pretty time consuming position; planning rallies, making jackets, creating hand shakes and initiation rites, designing helmets, building 'business relationships', you know...important scooter gang stuff!


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

It worked for Obama

Three whole months of unemployment and still no job...not quite what I was expecting to be honest. It's not like I don't have some good experience, or anything to offer... I've got skills!
If you care to look check it out...
So I decided the time has come to start getting a bit more creative. Make myself larger than life! Perhaps an unemployed legend of sorts. I want my resume to hit someones desk and have them already know who I am. Maybe it's time for a Barney Stenson caliber video resume? Maybesome "Hire Deven Morganstern" shirts? A billboard with a live feed to my Twitter account? 30 minute infomercials of me showcasing my talents variety-show style? Sky writers and a Blimp? Man, I just don't know what I need to do!

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Masters...a tradition like no other.

...and you missed most of it!



Why?....work of course! f*@king work! For that, I'm sorry my friends. Just come clean, I know that you obsessively checked the leaderboard on ESPN.com all day, desperate for a glimpse of those sweet Georgia pines... It's unfortunate for you, and it's okay to be mad! Just let it out. But if you're going to cry, do it in front of a chick....she will think you are totally in touch with your feelings and make out with you (just don't tell her it's about golf).



Okay, so I'm not a big follower of golf. Like most folks I know who Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson are. I can recognize a few of the names on the leader board. I've drank an Arnold Palmer. I know about Hooters and 84 Lumber thanks to John Daly. I do know the most important part of the game is how hot the drink cart girl is! But seriously, if you have never been able to get out of the office and watch the Par 3 Match on the Wednesday before the Masters, you are missing out!



I really have never watched golf on TV...it might have been on while I was writing a paper in college or whatever else I did those 5 years in Eugene. But I have never actually sat in front of the TV and followed a full day of televised golf, let alone 5 whole days of it! Man...have I been missing out! The Masters is everything that is great about golf and the south! Sunny spring days, $1.50 Pimento Cheese sandwiches, beautiful landscape, a drink or two, and tradition in everything they do.



After witnessing the grandeur of this event I have added The Masters to the list of great Man-cations I and my best friends will take one day. Also included in this list: Oktoberfest in Germany, gambling in Monaco, golf at St. Andrews, hunting in Africa, tour of Egypt, sport fishing in Mexico, whatever in Dubai, debauchery in New Orleans, being a cowboy in Jackson Hole, the Super Bowl, Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and another weekend in Vegas with Rick... (by the way, if I haven't told you that story, we need to go out! I'll let you buy me a beer, and I will make you laugh!)



So next year....quit you job or at least take a day off and check out what the Masters has to offer, you won't be disappointed!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Need to make some extra scratch?

The unemployed guide to keeping the cash flowing.

Over the past three months on my unemployed journey I have had to find ways to keep the bacon coming home (god forbid I change my lifestyle or anything!). Now I've worked all the conventional angles. I went through the cashed out vacation, last months commission, got my tax return and spent it like a good American, sold off a few unneeded belongings, I even cut back on a few things! Stuff like the wine club, the real nice booze (I'm not drinking Mad Dog or anything, but I have made some sacrifices), once weekly spending spree on clothes, the twice daily Starbucks/Stumptown runs! You know, things I can get by without for a little while.


Even with all these cut backs, I still have a few things that absolutly should be paid for... like rent, you know, stuff like that. So what's a young unemployed lad with a bum shoulder from that stupid snowboarding trip supposed to do?


Well, I've come up with a few things that could help everyone out, job or no job. Now I haven't yet put all these ideas to test, but it's my theory that one could garner some extra cash by trying out a few here and there.

Pick up some sweet day labor gigs outside Home Depot or East Burnside-- Some argue that illegal immigrants are stealing jobs from hard working Americans. If that's the case, why are there no white guys out there with an unemployment rate checking in at over 12% or more? I for one, am not afraid to throw my hat in the ring and do some real work for a few bucks. I'd just rather not get my jeans dirty if at all possible. Best of all it's under the table kind of cash. It would probably help if you knew a little Spanish so you can spend the hours chatting up the other guys on the corner.

Medical lab test subject--So maybe you'll some have weird side effects, like your hair falling out or oily stools? You are just as likely to get the placebo than the real thing! Besides, they pay a ton of cash for you to be some doctors lab rat.

Donate blood--They tell you to donate so you feel like you are doing something good for humanity, but they still pay you! So go hang out in the blood bank for a while. You'll get free cookies, and you can feel good about saving someones life. Plus it will take much less beer to get drunk! Talk about a good day!

If we are talking about donating stuff...
Donate your 'seed' ;)--You're going to do it anyway, why not get some cash? And this goes for the ladies too...you can make way more for yours! Although I hear it really sucks...actually, I'm not sure if I'd recommend this for you ladies... but hey, it's an option!

Donate your roommates' belongings on Craigslist--For a nominal fee of course. They will totally understand when the TV and living room furniture are missing.

Participate in any "study" you can--Whatever it is, just make sure you are getting paid and you don't have to do anything terribly immoral...unless your into that. I got paid $50 just for looking at some corporate website and telling them that it was just "ok". It took 15 mins and I left with a check in my hand.

Need a male "model"?--Now if you are answering these querys on Craigslist, you might want to clarify exactly what they have in mind... again, unless you are into that stuff. Commercials and TV shows are always needing extras, and Portland is a pretty good place to find a gig like this. You don't always have to be chiseled out of stone to land something along these lines, just be open minded and yourself.

Ask friends if they could utilize your skills or vast amount of idle time--I am guessing some folks out there have specialized skills that they had been performing for some huge company and getting paid pennies on the dollar. Well, now is your chance to really get paid for what you can do! Maybe you design websites or can build a lush garden in the worst of conditions, people you know need these skills and until you offer them up, they are just paying someone else to do it! Now, for those like myself with no one real skill we do have something very valuable to our employed counterparts...free time! All the time in the world to be specific! Your friends don't have this, that makes it something to sell! Take their dogs out for a walk during the day, clean their house, cook dinner and leave it in the icebox for when they get home, whatever! All you have to do is get a bit creative and offer it up at a competitive rate, then sit back and watch the green flow into your pocket. It might even lead to a new full time business for you!


I will let you know if I try out anything else that results in some benjamins or at least a good laugh on my expense. If you've got any ideas please let us know! Also, if anyone wants me to make them dinner give me a call...but it will cost you...something!


Thursday, April 2, 2009

One Long Staycation!

Today, with most folks cash flow looking like Death Valley in August, it's hard to find a way to entertain yourself without going broke! About this time every year I get a bit stir crazy and head off on some adventure just to get out of the moody Oregon weather. Normally it's a warm beach in Mexico, sunny sky's in Florida, or the desert heat and flashy lights of Vegas. This travel fever has only been compounded by the exorbitant amount of time I have now being unemployed. I am no longer confined to the weekend warrior trips or held back by whatever vacation I might be able to get my boss to let me use...I am free! But this still has it's limits. I may have tons of time but I do not have tons of cash. Nor do I have the team of hooligans to take an adventure with.

For the employed staycations are currently the trend. Those that haven't heard the term Wikipedia defines it as:
A staycation (or stay-cation, or stacation) is a neologism for a period of time in which an individual or family stays at home and relaxes at home or takes day trips from their home to area attractions. Staycations have achieved high popularity in current hard economic times in which unemployment levels and gas prices are high[1][2].
Common activities of a staycation include use of the backyard
pool, visits to local parks and museums, and attendance at local festivals.
Pretty much, a staycation means you just don't go to work for awhile and you don't have to lie about someone dying to do it! You get to take a bit of a breather from the working world all while not smashing open the emergency beer fund. Maybe you head out and explore some new restaurants, hit up a matinee, random stuff you never get to do if you had to be at work.

Now if you stay close to home or even if you never leave the front door, being unemployed is nothing if not a lengthy vacation with limited resources. It's like one big staycation! So what to do with all this free time? How do you make your staycation last as long as your period of unemployment? Kick up your feet and unwind baby...You are on a staycation!


Here are a few cheap places around Portland to see and do for the cash strapped unemployed (or those just looking to keep a few green backs in the wallet).

Hit up a movie at the Laurelhurst Theater. It's cheap and you can kick back with a cold PBR.

Take a hike through Forest Park and check out the Portland Rose Garden. http://www.forestparkconservancy.org/

You can't miss the opportunity to devour a 13inch pancake...head over to the Stepping Stone! It will only cost you $3! http://www.steppingstonecafe.com/

Happy hour is a great way to save some cash and see all those new restaurants. Look them all up on http://www.urbandrinks.com/. They will even tell you what locations have happy hour specials right now! I recommend the Matador http://www.matadorrestaurants.com/ and some great nachos!

Stay in with a movie from the Red Box! Maybe even hang out with some "chicken" mcnuggets at the McDonald's on 19th and Burnside after picking your flick...that's a whole night of entertainment.

Spend a few hours wondering through the Pearl on First Thursday. http://www.firstthursdayportland.com/

Get some culture! With over 112,000 square feet you will have plenty to look at for the $15 admission into the Portland Art Museum. http://www.portlandartmuseum.org/

Grab a cup of joe over at Stumptown and spend hours lost in Powell's Bookstore!
http://www.stumptowncoffee.com/ http://www.powells.com/

Find a quick sugar fix from Voodoo Doughnuts. http://www.voodoodoughnut.com/



Throw a wine and cheese party! Chicks will think you are hip and sophisticated and your guests will leave you with enough leftover wine to keep going for a few weeks after!

Hangout on your front porch, have a few beers, and call your working friends to let them know how great of a day it is! They may not know how nice it is depending on the crappyness of their cubical (this will make your phone call even better!).


All of these suggestions are simply stuff I've done while filling in the hours of my day. It is always best to try and get an employed friend to take you out so they can pay. But if you can't get someone else to front the bill I hope these suggestions make your lengthy staycation a bit more fun!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

For those that missed the Axe!

Given the current state of our economy it is inevitable everyone will experience some sort of brush with the axe of a layoff. Be it your husband or wife, parent or child, friend or even yourself; it's coming and it's going to hurt!

Fear starts to settle in throughout the office. The gossip mill has been swarming and everyone knows the layoffs are coming. Names start to leak out, people you have worked with for years, closed huge deals with, and finished a few long nights at the bar celebrating a promotion or a hard day. The names flying around though hushed phone calls and secret text messages. So many they start to sting, these people are no different than you. What if the rumors are wrong, or they just forgot to include you in the list? When the dust settles you're sitting in the same cubical you've been in for years, watching as our co-workers file in and out of the HR department; first, in with fear, then out with an empty hallow expression.

Some of these people you expect, the hairy guy that hasn't done anything other than finish off the goodies left after every pointless meeting or the old hag that has been hanging on to her job for way too many years doing just enough to get by but not smart enough to get herself promoted. Then you start to see co-workers walking towards the HR department you never would have believed. These people you have become close to. You even consider some friends. You've met their wives and kids. You know about their new home or boat, the student loans they are still paying, or the up coming wedding you've been invited to!

At first, you may not know what to do or say. What's going to happen to them? Will you see these people again? Is it right to say good bye, tell them it will be ok? That they will be better off. Are they going to resent you for missing the axe? Coming from someone that has felt the blade fall on him like a ton of bricks I would say the best thing to do is simply offer your assistance and ask them to call.

That's it. There is no reason to prolong this emotional and horrifying experience. The moment when you are let go, for any reason, you feel as though all the work you have done just got thrown back in your face and a huge part of your identity was just torn away. It takes a little healing time to realize what happened, take note that you are more than just a job title, and get back to what is important to you. I personally can barely remember what happen the morning I was let go other than I was disappointed I didn't go out in a blaze of glory!

Now that I have healed from the blow that axe welding a-hole dealt me (really, I'm totally over it!). I've realized I have some good friends from my time in the office. It's only natural that I wouldn't hate a few of those people I spent so many hours with chained down to my desk. It has taken a few months but I've started getting back in contact with a few former co-workers, some that still are stuck in the white shirts and some that have also freed themselves from it.

While I have enjoyed the reunions I have been able to have thus far, a few things have stood out from my encounters. Why is it that given everything in life we can bond over does work always become the topic of choice? I understand this is were our mutual bond was formed but is this all that brings us together? I think it's hard for former co-workers to understand so here it is. Once you are out...you're done. Yes, of course we are concerned about you and our other real friends from work, that what friends do. But the daily rumor mill no longer satisfies us. Please don't be offended when this happens. It's simply we have had to move on and jump into a whole new world, one where I don't care who got promoted or was "running tight!" last week.

I know this all seems a bit harsh but some tough love will help everyone in this crazy transition. While the unemployed will appreciate not having to relive the horrors of corporate jargon and the accomplishments of people no longer known in our world. The employed will realize work is only a small part of your life and not a common denominator of friendship. Coming to this realization for the employed will make their inevitable lay off more bearable (it will happen someday to everyone, guaranteed!) as well as help them find a more enjoyable work life balance and some much needed sanity.

During my time in the corporate prison I have really made some great friends. I realize this now that I've escaped. I really worked for some great people, with some up and comers, and hired some fantastically talented people. I've also been forced to deal with some real dumb folks too...if you would like to know where exactly you fall just call, if I answer or call you back you'll know where you lye!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why you should be happy in the unemployement line!

It's easy to get into a rut when you have been out of work for a while. There are all sorts of blogs and books that refer to the simple slide into depression for all sorts of reasons; lack of purpose, loss of identity, the feeling of hopelessness when those rejection letters start rolling in....wow, now I need a drink.

While all this will most likely be true for the vast majority of us at one point or another, it's not worth falling down that path. However, when you do start to feel that tug into the darkness of depression check this out!



Ten best things about Unemployment in no particular order!



1. The Mid Afternoon Cereal Snack!
It's like being back in high school...around 3:30pm you just need a bowl of cereal. Think of it as starting the day all over again!

2. Tuesday Wine Tasting!
Wine tasting at noon on a Tuesday...you won't be alone! Best of all? If you want to have a good time the folks pouring love the fact you are there! Find that friend that's still part of the wine club and start drinking for free!


3. Never Being Tired!
Seriously it's fansastic. You never have anywhere you just must be so sleep in, take a nap, or go to bed early. You have no reason not to and who knows when you will be able to do it again.

4. Going to the Gym when No One Else is There!
Hate the fact that 24hr Fitness seems more like 6-8am and 5-8pm Fitness? Nothing beats walking up to a treadmill without another soul in sight. Except for that potential hot mom trying to get back into shape!

5. Happy Hour!
After years of missing happy hour times it just feels good to sit around at 4pm and start getting your drinks for a bit cheaper... 'cause we all know you've been drinking since more like noon!

6. DVR'd TV!
Worried about missing our favorite TV shows due to all the drinking and going out? Never fear! Record it and spend the next morning working off the hangover while catching up on how Jack Bauer is saving the world this time.

7. Lunch with Working Friends!
Nothing will make you feel better than walking up to a table full of suited up friends while wearing your most comfortable cloths. It also helps to know you aren't the one picking up the check!


8. Afternoon trip to the Strip Club?!
Have you been to Sassy's at 2pm? You should!

9. Not Showering or Getting Dressed!
I'm not one for bad hygiene (nor is the lady friend) but having the choice is pretty great! It's also fantastic waking up tossing on the robe not to worry about it until 11:30 when you need to put on some pants and head off to lunch.

10. No Need for White Dress Shirts!
Now any well dressed man (I will put myself in this category for these purposes) needs a few white shirts. They are like a black suit or well worn pair of wingtips, you just have to have them in your closet. But for me and a few fellow former co-workers the white shirt is a sign of oppression! For 5 years it was all I could wear 6 days a week! That's roughly 1560 days of WHITE SHIRTS! 11 hours a DAY!!! Honestly it wouldn't have been that bad except for during those 11 hours a day, at least 4 were spent washing cars! Have you tried to wash a car in a suit and white shirt? Let's just say I was sending Christmas and Birthday cards to my dry cleaner by the end! For me it's the white shirt I love not wearing anymore, for many others it's the uniform. Be it covered in grease and oil or splattered with toner from that crappy fax machine, casting aside the forced upon wardrobe ushers in a whole new life!

If my list of greatness isn't good enough to break you from the funk of unemployed depression make your own list! Really take this time to figure out what is important to you and find the joy in it. We are all more than our jobs, employed and unemployed. The faster you figure this out the more enjoyable this period of your life will be!

Monday, March 23, 2009

The art of unemployed networking

While hanging out what appeared to be a relaxing coffee shop,
Sip & Kranz, I was looking forward to enjoying a double cappuccino and leisurely observing passersbys. Unfortunately I was violently jerked from my mid-day meditation due to the shrill screams of some bastard child being forced into the shop by his 45-year old, dressed like a 25-year old yuppie mother!


For a brief but memorable period I entertained the idea that working might not be the worst thing in the world...employment at a crappy job sure tops listening to that kid all day!


Then it starts to wash over me...however crappy a job may or may not be, I still should probably find one. The resume thing has been done, the online search engine thing has been done, I read on CNN about someone who gave out t-shirts with their resume printed on them. If you want a job in this world, you've gotta step it up a bit. I had no intention of making my resume into t-shirts, but it seems like today every person in the world knows someone looking for work or is desperately seeking employment themselves. If you found a job posting, so have thousands of others. Congratulations! You just applied to become a pile of resumes on someone's desk about to meet the recycle bin! If by some fate you do get to the top of that slush pile, how do you compete with the overwhelming amount of former CEO's and CFO's for that middle management gig that offering less than the one you just left? It's a nutty rat race out there. I predict you will end up a bloody wreck with no more than a thousand generic rejection letters and a hatred for everything but 40's of Old E and shopping carts.



During those brief seconds of thought I had a revelation about finding a job, all while staring at this screaming rug rat, (random I know). Every job I have obtained and lost previous to now I got because I knew someone. I knew someone at Enterprise. I knew everyone at Delta Sigma Phi. I always knew the right people in college. So that's what it comes to! You can have a great resume filled with all kinds of euphemisms and impressive descriptions of your background and what makes you the impressive catch you are, but if you do not have an ear with someone actually inside it, you are just another piece of tree.




So, my advice for you?




Start with your closest network, your friends and family. Call everyone you know and make sure they understand exactly what you are looking for, and make sure they all have a copy of your resume saved on their hard drive. You will not find anyone with a more vested interest in your well-being than these folks. Next? Go to every social event you can. Be it an Elks pancake feed, country club meals with your girlfriend's grandparents, or drinking with some old buddies. You have nothing to wake up for in the morning so get out! But it is imperative that you make sure everyone else is having fun. This is key. Not only will it bring more attention to you (in a good way, please) but they will remember you as "that fun outgoing guy that is currently looking for a new career." Just don't overdo the drinking or you will be "that drunk guy that needs to find an AA meeting" and people will need to help you for the wrong reasons.



You are your best advertisement. A real life resume, (hopefully without the t-shirt). Don't be afraid to talk about your unemployedness! Don't forget that your working buddies love to hear about all the great things you get to do now and they most likely envy your life. Maybe even so much they want you to get a job in order to rain on your good times and draw you back into their miserable working world!



If after a few months of getting out in the world and meeting everyone you can doesn't land you some leads, two things might be wrong. For starters, you could possibly smell like sweaty feet....this might be why you are unemployed to begin with! Shower and use deodorant. Or maybe you just aren't the having-fun type? Hell, I don't know? I am still unemployed after 3 months and I think I am pretty fun! However, working the rounds of my network has found a me few leads in addition to getting me closer to some lost friends, and has presented the opportunity to meet new ones!



Well, now little Timmy or whatever that devil child's name is has stopped screaming and I have returned to drinking my PBR and starring at passersby....



If you know of any opportunities out there for us unemployed to meet new people and do a bit of networking please let us know by posting the dates/time/location here. It's better than a screaming brat devil child!




Friday, March 20, 2009

March Madness Baby Yeah!

For those in the know...which is every sports loving person in the world...it's March Madness time!



Every year since walking into the University of Oregon campus there have been three weeks beginning in March as important as spring break to me. Now, I'm not a huge basketball fan or anything. Honestly, I couldn't tell you anything about basketball other than what I learned playing in the Boys and Girls Club league when I was like 10. But, once a year millions of people around the world become basketball fanatics! Days full of back to back to back college hoops shining on multiple TV's being beamed in from 8 states across the country.




What person in the world wouldn't love this stuff!


Sadly, every year since graduating I've been chained to a desk. Like so many other poor souls, unable to catch but mere glances of a game during long lunches or a stray cell phone.


That is, until this year!


I began the day prior to the first round gathering TV's, arranging couches, and stacking up enough supplies to never move from the couch while filling out every cash prize bracket I could find. With brackets in hand and beer on ice I wait. I also invited everyone could to stop in and watch as much of the fun as they can; partly to have some company, partly to rub it in a bit.


Waking up at 8:45am I shuffled up stairs and fell into the couch not to move again until 12:30pm. By 2pm I had killed a 18 pack of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon, some mini corn dogs, and a few bags of chips all while watching my bracket perfectly executed! If I could go all the way 100% correct I would win $100 million!


As I killed a few more Pabst's and a few more snacks, I pondered what I would do with the cash. Who if anyone but an unemployed nice young man such as my self would be perfect to win this grand prize! I would never work again, I thought! I would buy a new house somewhere close by in NW, get myself a rad car, and never ever work for some stodge corporate middle management a-hole again! Then as quick as those thoughts came they were crushed. In a haze of golden PBR I saw Western Kentucky tear down my dreams and crap all over them.


Waking up the next day, my dreams smashed into pieces, I came to a realization. I am living a dream 90% of the working world has once a year. Sitting on my couch with a huge bowl of cereal I know how lucky I really am and how next year I may be wishing for this very thing again. So here is to the dreams of so many out there. I will live it up for us all!


However I am running out of beer...feel free to donate to the cause by dropping off your beer well wishes to my front porch. Your gift of a beer will last a life time or until mid-afternoon. And if you really want to there is always a spot on the couch for a friend or a stranger with booze and food!






Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Beannachtam na Femle Padraig

On this momentous day I quickly wanted to remind the unemployed of the world of our responsibilities today.

The working folks you know and rely on for free meals want you to enjoy today...they need you to enjoy today!


It is essential to their well being.



Our friends trapped in cubicles, typing endless T.P.S. reports, and sifting through an abusive amount of dull and unnecessary emails look to us in order to make it through their day.

It is our responsibility to get out on this St. Paddy's day and live it up! Call our friends at 10:30am to tell them how great Kell's Irish Pub is and how we've made it through breakfast and our first 5 pints of Guinness. Make them meet us there for lunch so they can pick up the tab and see us in action. Then continue through the night until they can meet up with us there...it would be a good move to have an Irish car bomb set up for when they walk in if you want to continue the free ride for the rest of the night!


To those of you out celebrating this great holiday, cheers! To those trapped in your cube I am drinking for you, cheers! And to those still waking up get a pint in your hand and do your duty, cheers!


I drink to your health when I'm with you,I drink to your health when I'm alone,I drink to your health so often,I'm starting to worry about my own!


When money's tight and hard to get,and your horse is also ran,When all you have is a heap of debt,a pint of plain is your only man.


Here's to women's kisses,and to whiskey, amber clear;Not as sweet as a woman's kiss,but a darn sight more sincere!


Seo sláinte an tséitéara, an ghadaí, an trodaí, agus an óltóra!Má dhéanann tu séitéireacht, go ndéana tú séitéireacht ar an mbás,Má ghoideann tú, go ngoide tú croí mná;Má throideann tú, go dtroide tú i leith do bhráthar, Agus má ólann tú, go n-óla tú liom féin.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Day in the life of the unemployed.

For my friends in the working world, I would like to share a snap shot of the fantastic life led by the unemployed. Many people might assume we loaf around in pj's eating over-flowing bowls of children's breakfast cereal while watching the Today show and shopping for tubas on the Internet. ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000T47M1C/).


While most of that is true...I don't watch the Today Show. I watch CNN, The Food Network (love Alton Brown!), and the Travel Channel We unemployed folks tend to do a bit more...not everyday but sometimes!



So here is a breakdown of an average day for me:

8:00am- Wake up cause Gen does, then promptly realize it's way too early and go back to sleep.
8:45am- Roll out of bed with no bad feelings for sleeping in.
9:00am- Pour huge bowl of the cereal of the week and make coffee.
9:03am- Turn on CNN
9:05am- Change channel because I have seen everything on CNN already.
9:07am- Contemplate taking a shower. Some days I might even shower as well.
9:46am- Check up on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, email, ESPN.com, and enter to win every sweepstakes online I can find.
10:15am- Sweep Gen's computer for spyware and viruses from all the sweepstakes I entered.
10:22am- Call around looking for someone to take me to lunch, that has a job and can pay.
10:34am- Search usual job boards and company websites, return job search related emails, follow up on leads.
12:00pm- Head out for free lunch.
3:00pm- After letting someone feel good for feeding me, I may walk around and people watch.
3:12pm- Find coffee shop and refuel. Catch up on gossip mags and local news. Pretend to be an important author by opening laptop and staring at the blank blinking cursor.
4:30pm- Return home and make a drink. Spend quality time with couch. Check Facebook again.
4:42pm- Bad time for TV. Watch recorded shows or take a nap depending on how strong the drink was.
6:18pm- Hang out with Gen for a bit after she gets home from work. Try to not make her too jealous of my day.
7:00pm- Go to gym. Stare at people trying to work out while I spin the wheels of an exercise bike, rocking out to some new songs on my ipod, that I did not pay for of course.
8:20pm- Meet up with friends for dinner and drinks. Contine trend of not paying. Or have friends over for party and drinks that Gen bought.
9:56pm- Drunk. Cause I can and it's free.
12:45am- Eat Man-cake at the Stepping stone; still drinking, still free.
2:36am- Pass out at home without turning on an alarm. Why, 'cause I don't have to work in the morning!

I hope this gives you a better appreciation for the unemployed folks in your life. It's not always fun and games. At times it's down right hard work keeping up the lifestyle, and finding new creative ways to entertain yourself for free. But somebody has to make you working folks feel superior. For now, I am good with being that man.




**Check out the Stepping Stone Cafe...perfect place for the unemployed, cheap and good! http://www.steppingstonecafe.com/**

Friday, March 6, 2009

Go to the Library and other free stuff to do!

Being unemployed can totally cramp your style.
Nothing in particular to get out of bed for, no cash flowing in, and that pesky crushing social pressure to be gainfully employed...it can be downright rough! Coupled all this with the terrible Oregon weather it can be crippling.
After spending the honeymoon period of my unemployment hitting up everyone holding a non-maxed Visa card for lunch, coffee, drinks, and happy hours, I have ended up with my ass parked on the couch so often it's started to tingle. The thing is, I really didn't know what else to do! The novelty of not having to work has worn off, and I am at a loss for what to do with my surplus of time and my cash deficit.
I could easily spend my mornings looking for a new gig; working on my resume, downloading....stuff, maybe going to the gym, eating two bowls of 1.99 cereal for breakfast, watching hours of The Food Network, and poking around on Facebook. Problem is, by about noon everyday I don't have shit left to do, nor do I have any money to do it!



So I headed out my front door to discover what-the-shit I could get myself into...oh did I mention I kinda have a car? By kinda I mean I have two options; 1) walk everywhere or 2) wake up way too early in the morning and drop my girlfriend off at work, then stay sober enough to pick her up at night. Given those options, I walk most every day...my sleep is pretty important to me, and more often than not I am obligated to drink in the middle of the day! It's my way of paying respect to all the schmucks that still have to work; think of it like pouring out one for your homies, but pouring it into my mouth instead.



So what to do with no cash? Start checking off this list!
  1. Get yourself a library card. Did you know they give out books for free?

  2. Find a coffee shop with free refills and newspapers. Someone might think you're smart.
  3. Volunteer. You can tell people you are doing something good for years after you stop.

  4. Walk around town and learn something new about your city...there's got to be something. For inspiration, check out Girl About Town!http://genevieveabouttown.blogspot.com/ (shameless plug)

  5. Find a park and people watch. Plus...squirrels don't go through recessions and layoffs.

  6. Walk someone's dog for them. That someone will owe you, and chicks love dogs!

  7. Go to hosted networking events. Free booze is never bad.

  8. Don't ever miss a friend's wedding. Again, free booze is a good thing!
  9. Keep in touch with old co-workers. Make them pay (stay tuned).

  10. Use the free wi-fi everywhere. It's so much better than sitting at home, mainly for your roommates.

  11. Make friends with the guy that belongs to the wine club. At least until he gets canned too.

  12. Go to the gym. It may not be totally free, but it's a really cheap place to shower if you get evicted and hot girls go to the gym, or at least aspiring hot girls. Plus hot tub and sauna, good stuff.

  13. Head out to First Thursday, Last Thursday, and whatever other days stores give out free booze. You can even use it as a date...they will think you are artsy!

  14. Hang out at the mall and watch the street performers. Maybe they will give you a job.

  15. Spend some time with your local day laborers. Make some friends, and maybe a couple $!
I would love to see this list expand...mainly 'cause I've run out of shit to do. So either give me a job, or add to the list. I will know if you didn't add to it, and then I will come looking for my new job. Consider yourself warned. I've got the time to find you.

*It is still really fun not working just in case you wondered...really, really fun!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Get yourself some government cheese!

Go buy some nice brie from Zupan's with the help of Uncle Sam!


Free cheese is not in the government stimulus package, so don't check your mailbox. But if you are in the real tough spot, not unlike myself, you may qualify for some help. Getting assistance from the government doesn't take much, it's pretty easy. What comes a little harder is getting yourself to actually ask for the help.

As a kid I remember my parents using food stamps to buy milk and eggs at the store, but never thought much about it since. Then my cash flow pretty much stopped, not that it was the Nile of cash flow or anything but it was better than what I currently have trickling through. Even so, it took me a month to fill out the 5 pages of the 16 page application you need to complete in order to apply for food stamps. What was even harder, heading into the DHS office for my application interview.

From the years of working in corporate America I have been classically conditioned to dress up a bit when meeting anyone. So like Pavlov's faithful dog, I too obediently queued up and waited... What I didn't realize is no one cares when you are applying for food stamps!

As I walked into the front door of the DHS office it was pure chaos. People were everywhere, decked out in Goodwill's finest with no logical order at all. Bodies were filling space in a little front office, filling out paper work and staring at the front desk where no one sat. After a few minutes, I realized there were two sets of people there. One group was simply waiting to use the free phone, the other group was frantically filling out paperwork for the various services offered by the office. My guess is most folks don't do much preparation prior to stopping by the here.


I finally caught the attention of someone walking through the sea of cubicles behind the front desk and announced my appointment. It took a second for the person to fully comprehend that I was actually speaking to him. Once we were able to establish the fact that a conversation was indeed happening, I was told that if I continued waiting in the unorganized mess, someone would find me.


This didn't instill a large amount of confidence in me.


Eventually I was called forth behind the crowded desk into the vast sea of cubicles. At first, it seemed just as I expected, but as we wound farther and farther through the rows, embedding ourselves deeper and deeper into cubicle-land, I noticed something was a little....strange. Making the turn into the last bank of cubes, it finally clicked. I could only compare it to things I had seen previously in television sitcoms.

Trolls....Trolls as far as the eyes can see!

You remember those little plastic trolls with the crazy hair that every bingo playing grandma has right next to her ink doter? Within seconds I was surrounded! Trolls on the ledge of every cubical I pasted. This again did not instill much confidence in me at all.

Fortunately for me the cube we finally arrived at was free of the crazy hair vermin.

After my adventure through cubical-land things started to become a little more normal and I left the office with my new Oregon Trail Card.

To qualify for food assistance you really have to be broke. Make sure you know your finances and have all your paperwork filled out before venturing into the office...it's not that hard you just have to take the step and ask for help.

Monday, March 2, 2009

When the money's gone...

Okay, some people saw ax coming. Some people even worked for a company nice enough to send them on their way with arm floaties and a blow-up alligator so they don't drown in the abyss of financial disaster!


I've had to get a bit more creative...


One good thing about being worked like a mule is that you have no chance to use up all that vacation time someone told you about during the interview all those years ago.

On the day I was canned, walking out the door with the cash value of that mystery vacation time, I knew I was screwed. Being relatively new to the working game I never thought I'd need much savings. I was working full-time and moving up the corporate ladder with break-neck speed! Why would I need to worry about having a back up plan? Well I get it now...a bit too late I've been told.

While walking out the door I quickly took inventory of the assets I had, and the amount I would need to live for a while. I am an idiot! All I could think of was that robot on Nick at Night with flailing arms saying "Danger, Danger, Does not compute!" Of course, in my best robot voice.

....In short: I was fucked

The first thing I did when released from my corporate prison was crack a bottle of nice bourbon (and later champagne, it was New Year's Eve) and celebrated my independence. Next, I totally freaked out about my finances and start applying for unemployment...that didn't work out so well. Alas, that is another topic.

Fortunately it was tax time! Luckily my tax refund paired with my pathetic savings and vacation pay will get me through a few months. But what next???

It would be an understatement to say I was more than freaking out! I was totally panicked! I needed cash to continue the unemployed lifestyle I was starting to really enjoy! So I considered some options: I could be a drug mule, but I'm done with being worked in a mule-like fashion. Perhaps I could pimp out some Ho's? But the cost benefit analysis of managing Ho's far outweight the potential cash flow benefits. Even getting a part-time gig bagging groceries wouldn't pay the bills. Then it hits me...

Thank you 401k!




I know it's not a good idea to wreck my future financial stability but I look at it this way.
Do I fuck the future Deven or the present Deven? At this moment I vote for fucking the future Deven, He'll understand...

So here are a few tips I've learned along the way:


  • Most company 401k plans have tons of clauses and regulations, so call them fast and get the scoop.
For instance, I was forced to wait 60 days after I ended my employment to change my 401k plan. Finally, once you this done, it can still take weeks to get everything finalized and get cash into your pocket. Here's some tips:
  • Don't just cash out your 401k. Do a Rollover or Direct Rollover to a Traditional IRA to keep your tax umbrella.
  • In a horrifying market like the one we are currently experiencing, think about an IRA savings account, instead of mutual funds or CD's. This will protect the savings you currently have left without loosing any of the principal. Just be sure to throw your money back into the market as soon as you can, buy low and sell high my friend.
  • Move your cash somewhere close, convenient and easy to get.
  • You've got 60 days to repay any withdrawl before being liable for the taxes. So replace what you took if you can.
  • Only take out what you need.
  • Learn all the ways you can withdrawl from an IRA without taking the tax hit...big ones? Paying for education! Paying for medical expenses while unemployed, first time home purchase and disability.
  • Ask questions!
Go to your credit union or bank, call the company that manages your 401k or IRA, find a friend that works in accounting and pick their brain. Not only will you get some sound advice, but it will make you feel better knowing what your options are.

Now really, I don't have all the answers...seriously, if you've read any of my blog postings thus far you already understand this. I have a degree in Anthropology and Political Science which I have been using to push rental cars for the past 5 years....Finance is not my thing! These bits of advice are simply what I have learned along the path of unemployment.

If you have any suggestions that can help us young unemployed folks out please, toss them up...we can all use a bit of help!

**Need some financial advise and not sure who to go to? My advisor is Genevieve over at Advantis credit union. Give her a call at 503-785-2528 or 800-547-5532**

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Discount Cereal of the Week!

Being unemployed has enhanced some abilities I never knew I possessed! Things that would blow by me unnoticed two months ago are now becoming colorful and focused.

It's like I have super spider sense or something! Maybe I was bitten by a radioactive spider or hit with some nuclear waste while walking down Burnside....you know it's a possibility!

Seriously, I do feel aware of the world around me more than ever before.

I am going to guess it's the time I have to keep up on what's happening, but it could be something way cooler...you don't know!

However it's happend, I am more observant than ever. Case in point...did you know there is a volcano in Chile erupting right now. Thanks to my new super powers (and CNN) you do now!


So, during my last few trips to the store many different sales tags sparked these heightened senses of mine. You know...looking for a deal.

Then I saw it...was it real...no way, it it couldn't be...is it?

Discount Cereal of the Week! One new brand of cereal each week for only $1.99! It's like the happy hour of breakfest cereal!

And it's not that generic crap either!
Last week I devoured a box of Kid's. This week, it's all about the Golden Crisp! Next week...who knows! I can't wait though. Maybe it's Captain Crunch, Lucky Charms, Coco Puffs, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, oh...maybe-oh-maybe Fruity Pebbles!


I am freaking out!



Before leaving the working world I was lucky to get a cup of burnt tasting Starbucks and a dry bagel before making it into the office and getting hammered with the "important" tasks of the day.
Now it's like a veil has been lifted over the morning meal time. I have been given one more chance to bask in the culinary delight of childhood cereal memories.

So Frosted Flakes with some Tony the Tiger game on the box, or Cheerios with tons of sugar!


It's all Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!
If you've be out of work in the past 23 years you have heard of COBRA which in a nut shell it allows you to continue your medical benefits you previously had with your former employer.


The downside... You are stuck with the BILL! Depending on your former employer's benefit plan, your monthly COBRA payment could easily be $500!
So, how do you deal with this new kick in the pants? Stand up and take it!

Nice thing is you're unemployed and you've got a 60 day window were no one expects you to have all your life figured out...so, go do some research!



The first thing you should do before you sign up for anything is research other healthcare plans. If you are a spry, healthy, spring chicken-like, young adult; that can equal cheaper health care!

As part of the stimulus package just pasted, the government will assist in covering 65% of your COBRA payments! Now I am not going to go into a crazy rant about the socialization of American infrastructure like a nut-o bum screaming from the street corner that the world is ending. But if you want to check out a little more about this section of the stimulus package look up https://www.conexis.org/pdfs/COBRASubsidyParticipantFAQ.pdf.
While Conexis may not be your COBRA provider it explains things pretty well.

So with all that being said what is a broke unemployed 20 something suppose to do? Let me suggest a few things as a broke unemployed 20 something myself.....wait.



Just grab a beer and beach chair and enjoy yourself. You got 60 days my friends!





This may seem like i am indeed crazy but continue reading.

I myself was let go on December 31st, typically the last nice thing your employer will do for you is cover your health insurance for the remainder of the month. My former employer must not have received that memo, because there aren't too many days left after the 31st of any month! So January 1st came and I had no insurance. Was I worried, no way! Why? Because of that 60 day grace period. So, what should you do? Carpe Diem! Go bungee jumping, fire-walking, heli-skiing, skydiving... whatever floats your boat friend! You can rest easy during that 60 day period knowing that you can still be covered under COBRA if something goes terribly wrong. Although on second thought, if something goes terribly wrong while doing these things you may not need COBRA...hmmm.

Here's an example of something that went terribly wrong:

One of the first things I wanted to do after entering the world of unemployment was to learn how to snowboard. I have always wanted to tear down a mountain carving up the powder and hitting huge jumps. Well, really I wanted to hang out, drink a beer or two, and not spend an entire day on my back side getting snow thrown in my face by the kids from the 5 and under lessons. Anyways, after a few days I thought I had the hang of it...but gravity taught me very abruptly that I did not. On the first run of the day I had made it almost back to the end. Let me tell you, watching a 200 pound guy eat it at the bottom of a run is kinda funny, until it is you.



I flew through the air, feet over the top of my head,and landed squarely on my left shoulder. I would argue I was simply testing the density of my skeletal structure and unfortunately failed miserably. After sliding a few more feet I realized something very very bad happened. 30 mins later I was looking at an x-ray of my smashed collar bone. Even the nurse was shocked how bad it was! Before you panic, keep in mind that this is a worst case scenario situation for the uninsured, a $1000 ER visit, $500 consult with surgeon, and a $15,000 surgery to set the bone.



Thankfully I signed up for COBRA the next day, paid my premium for the month, and had the exact medical coverages I had before losing my job.



It's not cheap, but paying for the COBRA benefits is well worth it when you need it. The greatest part of this plan? If you don't go out and break your self like I did, you have the security of knowing you have health coverage available without paying a dime. Just get your ducks in a row so you know what to do at the end of that free 60 day period. I hope this helps those of you having to make this decision yourself. I am in no way an expert on medical coverage, but I did learn the hard way! Lots of healthcare institutions will give you some great free advice and if you don't know who to ask, break a bone and head over to Good Samaritan...a nice nurse can give you the coaching you need and some sweet pj's!

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Joys of Unemployment...

You’ve just be fired, laid off, downsized, forced into early retirement, whatever... First, it's perfectly acceptable for you to say "Screw them!" and perhaps utilize your freedom of speech with useful sign language.


Now that we have that out of the way, what’s next? Well of course there's self-pity, depressing sobs, expensive shrinks, copious amounts of drinking and self-help books. And when all that gets old, there is also this new fad called, "volunteering." I believe it's "volunteering" or "yollenteering," It might be a soft "v." I'm not sure, but apparently you just work...for free! It's supposed to be wild.


Ron Burgundy says, "stay classy...unemployed!"




Right now it’s time to realize this golden opportunity. Yaweh, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, Madonna, whoever you believe really, has just thrown you a bone....

Stay with me here, I know what you are thinking.


Four months ago, the world was spinning into the toilet, but at least I still had a job. Granted the worst job in the world, but a job nonetheless. So naturally I immediately commenced consuming copious amounts of alcohol with my best friend. For those who know us, this is not unordinary, but this time was different...


I myself had just finished a run-of-the-mill horrible day at work, which ended with my boss telling me all the ways I sucked, what she did and continues to do best. (Second opinion: For the record, he didn't suck at his job, he was actually pretty good at it!)
My friend's day really crushed mine though. The powers that be at his work let him know it wasn’t really going to happen, and even stooped to use the ultimate break up excuse gone bad:
"It's not us, it's you."

can you say ouch?



A couple months later, I was asked to leave my company, on New Year’s Eve no less (total douche bag move I must say).

Today we are gradually learning the ropes of the great life that can be had after one has been liberated from the chains of employment. Like Dante's Divine Comedy, I too will not miss the other layers of hell I used to refer to as my "job." And also like Dante's Divine Comedy, it's SO not funny.

In an effort to keep myself and those around me from that volaitle concoction of total boredom and pure insanity, I have started a blog to chronicling my life and situation. To those who may be suffering, bewildered or scared, I offer my wisdom on how to navigate the horrors of the unemployment office, COBRA, getting your finances in order, and how to get your friends to pay for drinks.


This blog will highlight this rare gift of freedom as much as possible, while also dealing with the practical issues of unemployment. Hopefully it can help you or someone you know work through this strange transitional period that most everyone has deal with, (at the very least, please enjoy the pretty pictures.)


Feel free to post any suggestions, rants, laundry lists, or haikus that might compell you, (please no bomb threats)