I've got skills!

This is just gotten out of hand! Seriously out of hand! 

I feel like I have leprosy or something here! 

What does a dude have to do around here to get a steady paycheck and some 401(k) love! 

Needless to say I am getting a bit freaked out at this point...it's now been 5 months plus, I've gone through 22 weeks of not working (which isn't such a bad thing) and 22 weeks of being rejected from every company in the metro area (that does kinda suck). What is wrong with me?

I mean, I've got skills!

As we all know from that beloved nerd hailing from Idaho, Napoleon Dynamite; girls love skills. One then could make the logical assumption that companies like skills as well...

So here ya go. 

This is what all those places that have shown me the

cold shoulder are missing out on.

Skills I've got:

Computer Skills - I couldn't write this if I didn't know how to use a computer!?!

Communication Skills - see we're communicating.

Presentation Skills - such as this presentation of my skills.

Leadership Skills - people have been known to follow me, generally to the bar, I like that.

Management Skills - I am managing not to totally go nuts while not having a job and being rejected 10 times a day, that's determination as well!

Determination Skills - not really a skill as much as a character trait but regardless, see above.

Negotiation Skills - I consistently negotiate my girlfriend into paying for things for me cause I'm broke.

Sales Skills - your buying all this aren't you?

Relationship Management Skills - I still have friends even after 5 months of trying not to pay for anything all while still going out and pretending to be a high roller.

Social Media Skills - I've got like 300 facebook friends, and 150 followers on Twitter (I have been told followers are not the same as friends).

Music Skills - I play the tuba...if you fell the urge to make fun of me see below.

Hand to Hand combat Skills - not really, just don't make fun of me for the tuba thing it hurts.

Driving Skills - I've got a car and a scooter and I know how to use them while talking on my cell phone, flipping you the bird, and eating a Big Mac!

Literary Skills - seriously I can't spell but I can read and write (although not with very good grammar; freckin' public schools, sorry).

Culinary Skills - need a Hot Pocket? I'm your man! I am also a very good eater.

Beverage Management Skills - I manage to always get a drink from my hand to my belly with a 95% success rate.

Financial Skills - After 5 months of unemployment (and no unemployment insurance mind you) I have managed to continue to party, live in my beautiful town house in NW Portland, pay for a broken collar bone without insurance, broke a tooth and had a crown, and reasonably enjoyed my little vacation with no source of income!

If this abbreviated list of my current skill set doesn't entice an employer, I don't know what will! If you see what you like check of my resume on linked in http://www.linkedin.com/in/drmorganstern for additional awesomeness and call me for an interview...I know it will just be a formality before you let me take over your company!