I've got skills!

This is just gotten out of hand! Seriously out of hand! 

I feel like I have leprosy or something here! 

What does a dude have to do around here to get a steady paycheck and some 401(k) love! 

Needless to say I am getting a bit freaked out at this point...it's now been 5 months plus, I've gone through 22 weeks of not working (which isn't such a bad thing) and 22 weeks of being rejected from every company in the metro area (that does kinda suck). What is wrong with me?

I mean, I've got skills!

As we all know from that beloved nerd hailing from Idaho, Napoleon Dynamite; girls love skills. One then could make the logical assumption that companies like skills as well...

So here ya go. 

This is what all those places that have shown me the

cold shoulder are missing out on.

Skills I've got:

Computer Skills - I couldn't write this if I didn't know how to use a computer!?!

Communication Skills - see we're communicating.

Presentation Skills - such as this presentation of my skills.

Leadership Skills - people have been known to follow me, generally to the bar, I like that.

Management Skills - I am managing not to totally go nuts while not having a job and being rejected 10 times a day, that's determination as well!

Determination Skills - not really a skill as much as a character trait but regardless, see above.

Negotiation Skills - I consistently negotiate my girlfriend into paying for things for me cause I'm broke.

Sales Skills - your buying all this aren't you?

Relationship Management Skills - I still have friends even after 5 months of trying not to pay for anything all while still going out and pretending to be a high roller.

Social Media Skills - I've got like 300 facebook friends, and 150 followers on Twitter (I have been told followers are not the same as friends).

Music Skills - I play the tuba...if you fell the urge to make fun of me see below.

Hand to Hand combat Skills - not really, just don't make fun of me for the tuba thing it hurts.

Driving Skills - I've got a car and a scooter and I know how to use them while talking on my cell phone, flipping you the bird, and eating a Big Mac!

Literary Skills - seriously I can't spell but I can read and write (although not with very good grammar; freckin' public schools, sorry).

Culinary Skills - need a Hot Pocket? I'm your man! I am also a very good eater.

Beverage Management Skills - I manage to always get a drink from my hand to my belly with a 95% success rate.

Financial Skills - After 5 months of unemployment (and no unemployment insurance mind you) I have managed to continue to party, live in my beautiful town house in NW Portland, pay for a broken collar bone without insurance, broke a tooth and had a crown, and reasonably enjoyed my little vacation with no source of income!

If this abbreviated list of my current skill set doesn't entice an employer, I don't know what will! If you see what you like check of my resume on linked in http://www.linkedin.com/in/drmorganstern for additional awesomeness and call me for an interview...I know it will just be a formality before you let me take over your company! 

Worst way to blow $500?

Put it in your mouth! 

Seriously...put it in your mouth and chew it! Nothing sucks more than having to spend money when you don't have it to spend. What makes it worse? Spending it on something that not only is no fun but is horrifying to most people in the known 

universe. 

I get to go to the Dentist!!!

I hate the Dentist....

I've got a great dentist...really, Green Apple Dental (http://www.greenappledental.com) is the best dentist office I've been forced to give my money too. But really, I can't stand sitting in that chair getting shots in the mouth while everyone in the building finds a need to shove their hands in my mouth! Who on earth wants that job btw! 

So on top of my outrageous COBRA payments (just made a little better by the government, thanks government!) broken collar bone and resulting surgery bills I know have to throw another $500 bucks into my out of shape broke-ass body! FANTASTIC! 

Do you know the things I could buy with that $500? Ya a ton of stuff! And anything would be better than spending it on a trip to the dentist....lame.

Use your free time and learn something!

Over the past few months I've been enjoying my "little vacation". Hangin out with friends, new and old. Sleeping in and staying out all night. Laying around in my robe all day eating kids cereal out of a huge bowl and watching crappy daytime TV! 

But at some point it all gets kinda old. 

In order to prevent the unemployment blues from totally taking over you need to get out and better yourself a bit. As nice as it would be to never work again at some point you're going to need to dust off the suit and tie in order to pay those bills. 

So, why not use this time to learn a few new tricks (professional skills that is!). It won't take all of your lounging around time so don't freak out...there are many things you can do without even getting dressed! Just don't try cooking or operating machinery without getting dressed first. It might just get you into some weird insurance situations best undiscovered... just sayin.

(This is Steve, my stunt double.

 Cobra is way too expensive...

I just have Steve do my dangerous stuff!)

I'm for sure going to teach myself a few new things. First, I am want to learn Spanish. I've been to Mexico a few times and hated the fact I couldn't communicate very well. I know I missed out on a very cool experience only understanding English while I traveled. Second, I am going to learn how to create websites and design graphics. It's something I've always wanted to be able to do and figure it's a great skill to have walking into a new career. After that maybe I'll work on getting into the Nathan's Hot dog eating contest or take up fire dancing while riding a unicycle, blindfolded, soaked in gasoline, on a tight rope over a pit full of 5 year old kids that just ate way too much sugar! 

Just ideas here, just ideas...

Whatever you end up doing make sure it's something fun. This stuff shouldn't be work. Think of it as simply expanding your personal skill set. You must take a break from work in order to be successful in life, being unemployed is a great opportunity to take that break...don't get yourself into a project that sucks as much as the 9-5! 

So if anyone out there wants to help a poor unemployed guy out hook me up with some computer software and the Rosetta Stone, or a unicycle and some candy!