Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Ok so it's been a while! Maybe I'm busy....

Not really....I'm not that busy.

I have been going to interviews and at one point would have bet money I'd be working about a month ago. But alas no. Not this month. Still no jobby job. Not for this guy.

It is looking better out there for sure. For those of you still pounding the pavement, keep it up! Over the past couple months I have actually been getting responses to my resumes and phone calls. I've gone on interviews and it seems like things are getting better.

Better for me? Not quite yet but I feel it coming! Unfortunately, a bit too late for my pocket book at this point. So, what to do until I hit my pay day?

How do I keep this unemployment party going until the job finds me? I've already mastered the art free lunches and drinks (if you need a lesson please refer back a few posts or contact me for a lesson). I've maxed out the government assistance I am qualified for (no thanks to my previous employer). And I've cut out everything I can while hanging onto the really important stuff, like traveling and booze.

Seems to me I've got my output under control....now it's time for some input. Time to find a bit of cash flow! I have been learning the graphic design stuff I wanted and it looks like that's what will pay next months bills. Which for sure is nice. But I really need a river of cash not the leaky sink drip that's flowing in at this point.

So once again, what is a young unemployed guy to do? Being that most my ideas involve comical and at times illegal means of generating revenue I thought I'd just leave it up to your opinions.

Maybe someone out there has a good idea for me to bring in some cash? Let me know your ideas and if there's a chance I'll live through it I'll give it a go!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I've got skills!

This is just gotten out of hand! Seriously out of hand! 

I feel like I have leprosy or something here! 

What does a dude have to do around here to get a steady paycheck and some 401(k) love! 

Needless to say I am getting a bit freaked out at this point...it's now been 5 months plus, I've gone through 22 weeks of not working (which isn't such a bad thing) and 22 weeks of being rejected from every company in the metro area (that does kinda suck). What is wrong with me?

I mean, I've got skills!

As we all know from that beloved nerd hailing from Idaho, Napoleon Dynamite; girls love skills. One then could make the logical assumption that companies like skills as well...

So here ya go. 
This is what all those places that have shown me the
cold shoulder are missing out on.

Skills I've got:

Computer Skills - I couldn't write this if I didn't know how to use a computer!?!
Communication Skills - see we're communicating.
Presentation Skills - such as this presentation of my skills.
Leadership Skills - people have been known to follow me, generally to the bar, I like that.
Management Skills - I am managing not to totally go nuts while not having a job and being rejected 10 times a day, that's determination as well!
Determination Skills - not really a skill as much as a character trait but regardless, see above.
Negotiation Skills - I consistently negotiate my girlfriend into paying for things for me cause I'm broke.
Sales Skills - your buying all this aren't you?
Relationship Management Skills - I still have friends even after 5 months of trying not to pay for anything all while still going out and pretending to be a high roller.
Social Media Skills - I've got like 300 facebook friends, and 150 followers on Twitter (I have been told followers are not the same as friends).
Music Skills - I play the tuba...if you fell the urge to make fun of me see below.
Hand to Hand combat Skills - not really, just don't make fun of me for the tuba thing it hurts.
Driving Skills - I've got a car and a scooter and I know how to use them while talking on my cell phone, flipping you the bird, and eating a Big Mac!
Literary Skills - seriously I can't spell but I can read and write (although not with very good grammar; freckin' public schools, sorry).
Culinary Skills - need a Hot Pocket? I'm your man! I am also a very good eater.
Beverage Management Skills - I manage to always get a drink from my hand to my belly with a 95% success rate.
Financial Skills - After 5 months of unemployment (and no unemployment insurance mind you) I have managed to continue to party, live in my beautiful town house in NW Portland, pay for a broken collar bone without insurance, broke a tooth and had a crown, and reasonably enjoyed my little vacation with no source of income!

If this abbreviated list of my current skill set doesn't entice an employer, I don't know what will! If you see what you like check of my resume on linked in http://www.linkedin.com/in/drmorganstern for additional awesomeness and call me for an interview...I know it will just be a formality before you let me take over your company! 

Friday, May 8, 2009

Worst way to blow $500?

Put it in your mouth! 

Seriously...put it in your mouth and chew it! Nothing sucks more than having to spend money when you don't have it to spend. What makes it worse? Spending it on something that not only is no fun but is horrifying to most people in the known 

I get to go to the Dentist!!!

I hate the Dentist....

I've got a great dentist...really, Green Apple Dental (http://www.greenappledental.com) is the best dentist office I've been forced to give my money too. But really, I can't stand sitting in that chair getting shots in the mouth while everyone in the building finds a need to shove their hands in my mouth! Who on earth wants that job btw! 

So on top of my outrageous COBRA payments (just made a little better by the government, thanks government!) broken collar bone and resulting surgery bills I know have to throw another $500 bucks into my out of shape broke-ass body! FANTASTIC! 

Do you know the things I could buy with that $500? Ya a ton of stuff! And anything would be better than spending it on a trip to the dentist....lame.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Use your free time and learn something!

Over the past few months I've been enjoying my "little vacation". Hangin out with friends, new and old. Sleeping in and staying out all night. Laying around in my robe all day eating kids cereal out of a huge bowl and watching crappy daytime TV! 

But at some point it all gets kinda old. 

In order to prevent the unemployment blues from totally taking over you need to get out and better yourself a bit. As nice as it would be to never work again at some point you're going to need to dust off the suit and tie in order to pay those bills. 

So, why not use this time to learn a few new tricks (professional skills that is!). It won't take all of your lounging around time so don't freak out...there are many things you can do without even getting dressed! Just don't try cooking or operating machinery without getting dressed first. It might just get you into some weird insurance situations best undiscovered... just sayin.

(This is Steve, my stunt double.
 Cobra is way too expensive...
I just have Steve do my dangerous stuff!)

I'm for sure going to teach myself a few new things. First, I am want to learn Spanish. I've been to Mexico a few times and hated the fact I couldn't communicate very well. I know I missed out on a very cool experience only understanding English while I traveled. Second, I am going to learn how to create websites and design graphics. It's something I've always wanted to be able to do and figure it's a great skill to have walking into a new career. After that maybe I'll work on getting into the Nathan's Hot dog eating contest or take up fire dancing while riding a unicycle, blindfolded, soaked in gasoline, on a tight rope over a pit full of 5 year old kids that just ate way too much sugar! 
Just ideas here, just ideas...

Whatever you end up doing make sure it's something fun. This stuff shouldn't be work. Think of it as simply expanding your personal skill set. You must take a break from work in order to be successful in life, being unemployed is a great opportunity to take that break...don't get yourself into a project that sucks as much as the 9-5! 

So if anyone out there wants to help a poor unemployed guy out hook me up with some computer software and the Rosetta Stone, or a unicycle and some candy! 

Monday, April 27, 2009

You aren't missing much from 8-5 on the TV!

During my years workin for the man I really never got a chance to just veg out in front of the TV for hours like most Americans. This lead to some difficult social interactions when I had no idea what Lost was or who the hell was saving the cheerleader. I did own a Tivo thingy but even with that you can't keep up on the thousands of hours a week one needs to be in the know on all that is prime time.

But here's the deal...you aren't missing much!

I've had a bit of free time on my hands as of recent and while the Oregon spring can be gorgeous, it can also rain for days at a time! Thus allowing for a bit of research...

I did nothing but sleep (not enough), eat (sometimes but never at lunch time), and work (way too much!) while all of my friends had more available free time to do what they wanted to do.

While working 12 hours a day 5 days a week (plus a little on the weekends) I missed out on a valuable social education provided by countless hours of television viewing which limited my social interactions and thus was detrimental to my social lifestyle.

For one week I will watch TV (hours between 9-11, 1-3, 6-9) and record what I watched for later comparison to social interactions. I will then engage 4 test subjects with various levels of employment in conversation about my observations/television knowledge and measure reaction to said knowledge.

While all 4 test subjects had some knowledge of programs mentioned in conversation, my depth of knowledge far out weighed all with an inverse relationship to employment.

If you work all the time you don't get to watch a lot of TV. Which leads me to believe your personal social interaction exposure is also limited thus leading to less personal development and meaningful social interaction outside the work place.
90% of TV sucks! Mainly day time TV, stuff you workin folks really miss out on. What the crap is some of this stuff? The Cougar? seriously! Tough Love? Where do you find these people! For the Love of Ray J? Rock of Love bus? Wait...all these are VH1 shows. Who else was on a VH1 show I know....JOE! Joe Doyle! Maybe he can do something about all this crap! Seriously if it wasn't for CNN and Sports Center I would have gone crazy during this experiment!

So my hypothesis kinda worked out. I mean TV's not going to make you a social animal or anything but the time lost to working endless hours and shutting your self off to the outside world is indeed detrimental to ones social lifestyle.

Basically....don't work so much! But don't spend that time not working watching crappy TV on VH1!

Unless of course it involves Joe Doyle...then watch all you can!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Breaking News!

This just in!
Multiple Brands of Cereal Available at the
low, low price of $1.99
Now at your local Safeway!

Rice Crispy

Coco Rice Crispy

Apple Jacks

Golden Crips

and many many more....

Don't waste anytime!

Tell your boss they suck and run, run as fast as you can!
Just don't forget a bowl and some milk.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Best toy for the unemployed summer!

If you live anywhere close to an urban epicenter, and the mercury has risen to more than 60 degrees you have to get one of these!

It's a kickin' urban hipster scooter!

I have to admit, when my girlfriend came home one day, intent on chasing after a Craigslist posting for this used scooter...I was a bit skeptical (and by skeptical I mean I was completely baffled as to why the hell we needed a scooter when paying there are bills to pay). Even after the deal was done, I still questioned why she was spending more than a $1000.00 on a ride that couldn't move faster than 40 mph!

Thing is...when the sun comes out and you strap on that helmet, it all starts to make sense!

This scooter thing rocks!

A scooter is the one toy every unemployed person should have! So get out there and find one.(you may need to find a sugar mamma/papa to pony up the cash of course!) But once you've got one, it's hours of cheap entertainment. Craigslist is your best bet. Tons of suburban folks picked these things up when gas prices got nutty but soon realized you can't drive them on freeways or roads with speeds higher than 35 mph. You don't even need a motorcycle endorsement if it is less than 50cc's. It can only go about 40 mph tops so no need to worry about the body armor stuff bikers have to shell out the big bucks for. Best of all, you won't have to fill the thing up with gas all summer! The thing only costs like $5 to fill up and runs for over 100 mpg!

You can cruise around in the sunshine, pick up the paper and a latte in the morning, and find a new scooter bar to hang out at with your scooter gang friends!

Perhaps a potential employer will take note of your commitment to saving the environment, possibly giving you a leg up come interview time. Maybe one of your new scooter gang friends will be able to send a job lead your way? Perhaps you'll just become the leader of a kick ass scooter gang....it seems like a pretty time consuming position; planning rallies, making jackets, creating hand shakes and initiation rites, designing helmets, building 'business relationships', you know...important scooter gang stuff!